Almost Back

Forgive me, I know it's been a while and I am almost back. I can already feel the "seasonal depression" hell starting to lift. I'm not sure why but my grief this year has seemed worse than ever.
The New Year itself is starting off with a bang, or maybe that's a bust. Christmas Day I was passed out cold by 6:30 at my Mother In Law's. I slept for 14 hours, and woke in the midst of one of my worst fibro flares ever. Aching doesn't really seem to describe the pain in my extremities, especially my arms. And, the exhaustion seemed like it would not end. I came out of it about 5 days later only to find the neuropathy in it's own flare. My hands and feet were incredibly painful and burning. I also have seemed to lost quite a bit of feeling in the tips of my pinky and ring finger on my left hand. I am finally showing some signs of having knuckles again. I am not sure why my hands have been so inflamed, even using my voice recognition program this si the first I have really used the computer in a few weeks other than to do some reading. I have finished all 17 books of the Laurell K. Hamilton Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series, and am now on book 7 of her Meredith Gentry fey series. Both are excellent. One would not think that simply scrolling down with the mouse could cause such pain and inflammation, apparently it can.
I am thrilled that in spite of the pain of the season I really did have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year's Eve with my hubby. I hate that being able to have a little fun requires such a painful and exhausting payment. I am worried about my vacation the end of March. 4 nights and 5 days in the Caribbean for my cousin's wedding with my best friend. I am excited, and yet scared at the same time. Scared of the flare it will cost me.

Hibernating

I'm sorry I have been AWOL the last few weeks, this usually happens to me about this time of the year. I have depression but about mid October it gets a lot worse. And this year I mean about ten fold. The doctor's call it seasonal depression in addition to the severe depression I already have, but it's not really. It's not the holidays. It begins right before my birthday or right after, depending sometimes. And then it starts. You see from end of October till mid January is the anniversaries of literally all the deaths of people I have been close to that have passed away, and also their birthdays. This may sound strange to say but not a month after our wedding my husband's step father passed away, the beginning of December. I seriously thought I had brought my family's curse with me, and the curse was spreading to my new family also. I know that is ridiculous but 4 years ago we lost my Grandma Oct 30, and this Christmas Day it will be two years since we lost my husband's Grandma. It seems it's about every two years we lose someone. My Dad and Grandma were the two most important people in my life. I am missing them this year more than ever, lots and lots of tears almost everyday. 
I realized a few years ago how down I get this time of the year, my Dr always gave me xanax to help me get through. Even before I realized though I would become very down about mid November till mid January. After Grandma passed the period got lengthened to mid October - mid January. Then a few days after Grandma's birthday in January I am miraculously better. Used to be back to my happy go lucky self. 
I wonder does bipolar change? I mean I used to be mostly up with some shorter periods of depression (not including the 3 month "seasonal" depression). Now (before the seasonal kicked in), I am down most of the time with few up times, and those up times are usually pretty recognizable as hypermania, because they are short lived periods (a day or two) of extreme energy and creativity.
My real point of all this was to apologize to anyone who reads my ramblings regularly (thank you by the way) for my disappearance. I will try to be a little better, but it is going to be pretty rough for me for a little over two more months. Just hang in there with me, I'm holding on by a thread, hold on too. Thanks. love from chele

Ups and Downs

I think this moodiness may just kill me. I have been so moody lately. My husband is really a dream, works 10-14 hrs a day then comes home and does the dishes or whatever else I need and lately I have just been so bitchy. I hate being that way, reminds me of my mother, but I can't control it. Like right now it is 3 am I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I have no idea why. Well, maybe exhaustion. I overdid it Thursday helping my friend with her computer, which I really wanted to do for her I just don't think either of us expected setting up her new computer to take so long. It wasn't the physical stuff that took so long, although I was laying on my stomach under the desk at one time folding cords up and tying each individual one up with a velcro strip. The other stuff, setting the actual pc up. First we couldn't get the cable modem to work. I spent 20 mins on the phone with someone out of country, finally he says "I am going to give you a ticket number because when I reset your modem we will lose the call. Resetting the modem should fix the problem but if it doesn't just call back and give the ticket number". So I wait the three minutes, call back give the ticket number and the new representative says to me right away "did you try the standby button? press and hold it for three seconds and then try the internet". Fixed. Geez. One thing our cable company offers is a free antivirus software called CA Internet Suite that I really think is fantastic so why should she have to pay for Norton? No reason, so I uninstalled Norton and downloaded the CA. Downloaded Picasa. If you haven't discovered Picasa yet it is another free program this time by Google. It is for photos. When I changed from my laptop to my new PC (thank you again Marty, I love u little bro) I uploaded all my photos to web albums on Picasa and then downloaded what I wanted to back onto my PC. All the others are still on my private, unlisted, web albums where I can access them any time I want but they aren't clogging up my computer.
So back to my moods, sorry I tend to digress at 4 am. I feel like I went through the entire range of emotions in less than 12 hours, happy, excited, angry, royally pissed off (same thing?? I don't know, not in this case), insulted, and then just exhausted, in pain, and crying. I took two xanax so I am starting to feel calm and hopefully sleep will come soon. I really must make an appointment to go back to my primary care doctor to see about a mood stabilizer, I feel like I am all over the place. I have been told this is quite normal for bipolar. I'm not sure. Ideas? Comments?

Kim's Pink Kiss Cookies (meringue)

These are my sister in law, Kim's recipe. However, when I made them I used 3/4 cup of splenda instead of sugar and sugar free jello. Also, I tried to make them the regular way with sugar first, but the egg whites wouldn't thicken enough. My friend, Ronnee, told me to chill the bowl, and it worked!!!! oh, and I skipped the chocolate chips cause I forgot them. Also, I had to cook them for about an extra 45 minutes, seriously. Must \ be the crazy humidity here, I had looked at a few recipes online that said that could happen. I ate one after 30 mins and tasted like a big marshmallow. Probably not so great to eat uncooked egg whites, oops!

3 egg whites (let eggs come to room temperature)

1/8tsp salt
3/4 c sugar
1 1/2 tblsp strawberry jello
1/2 c chocolate chips

Beat egg whites and salt til fluffy. Add sugar and jello, beat til stiff. The mixing process must add LOTS of air or it will not work. No kitchen aid mixers.

Fold in chocolate chips. Drop with spoon onto lightly greased then floured pans.

Bake at 250 degrees for roughly 25 -30 minutes. Observe for pink chalky color.

Crippling pain ... Fibromyalgia

denylady: I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a few years ago, but no doctor explained to me how ill this makes you. Even if I do too much house work or try to do something a bit strenuous it can put me to bed for a couple of days as I become so ill.

My feet are the worst thing, the pain on the bottom of my feet is awful. I can only walk short distances, when I tell doctors they just look confused and can't seem to give me any advice.
Can you shed some light on this illness for me as I get so depressed as I feel no one understands how I feel?

Dr Carol Cooper: You're right - nobody really knows how or why fibromyalgia makes you feel ill, or even exactly what it is.
On the whole, one of the best treatments is to pace yourself and gradually increase your activities till you get back to near-normal levels.
Strenuous activity, as you've learned, is counter-productive because you pay for it afterwards.
If you're depressed, an antidepressant and/or counselling might be an idea. Even if you're not depressed, antidepressants can help - it's been discovered that in small doses (too small to work against depression), some antidepressants help all sorts of chronic pain. If you haven't talked it over with your GP, that should probably be your next step.

And have you had a look at the useful site www.ukfibromyalgia.com?
p.s. For those of you who don't know fibromyalgia sufferers have decreased levels of seratonin, which is why antidepressants tend to help, they increase levels of seratonin in the blood (so does chocolate!).

Admiration of Strength and Courage

My cousin is a fighter. That I have always known. She's the oldest of seven kids. was a second mother to all of them. I think all but two have lived with her at some point including me. She's worked two or three jobs when she's had to in order to support her family.

She's five foot tall and has never been afraid to tell someone how it is even if they are six foot 250 pounds. I used to make her crazy. I was the kid who was so shy I sat off by myself while the other kids played kickball at recess. I would never stand up for myself, which is what made her crazy. She taught me how when I lived with her. For which I will be eternally grateful (although others who find my bluntness rude may disagree).

In some ways we are so much alike. Neither of us have ever been able to hide our dislike of someone. Both of us count loyalty as one of the top traits we both admire and expect in a person. In some ways we are not alike. Nine months ago she had a car accident. She has a dislocated jaw she was supposed to have surgery on today (postponed due to more problems with...), she has swelling of the brain, she is having some kind of problem with all the discs in her back from top to bottom that I don't understand, neuropathy of the brain stem, some kind of eyesight problems, including temporary blindness at times. and the list goes on.

I thought I knew pain. I can not begin to fathom the pain she is in. But she still works at least weekends as a waitress. I don't understand how she does it. I can't help but compare our situations and find hers extremely worse, yet she has the steel to still work, as a waitress nonetheless. On her feet probably 8 hours a day. This blows my mind. I think I am green with envy. I have to say that today, my cousin is the person I admire most. For she makes me look inward, find myself lacking in steel, and determined to do better. 

Strenth and Courage author unkown

It takes strength to fit in.

It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend's pain.
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pains.
It takes courage to show them.

It takes strength to endure abuse.
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone.
It takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love.
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive.
It takes courage to live.

~~ Author Unknown ~~