Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Mania, Orthopedist

Yesterday morning I started feeling jittery, like my insides were shaking. I am having the same problem today, and finding it very hard to focus to write anything. Hard to have a trail of thought let alone follow the trail!  I've taken my anxiety medication and am simply waiting for it to kick in. I'm not sure why this is all starting back up so bad. I do know I was pruning the bushes outside at 3 am. Yes, I know my husband thought I was nuts, and the neighbor's probably would of had me baker acted had they seen me. I can rationalize by saying at 3 am it's only 90 degrees, and there is no sun, so no sunburn, or rash. I knew at the time the effect pruning would have on my hands but I still had to do it. This episode did accomplish two things... First, you can walk up the sidewalk to our front door without being attacked, which is always nice. Second, the episode has driven me to finally make an appointment with a psychiatrist which I have been putting off for a few months. Procrastinate, who me?
I also made an appointment with an orthopedist for next Tuesday morning. I told the nurse about the bulging discs in my neck and the pain in my left shoulder down my arm. She said the discs do cause that pain so I think I am headed in the right direction. I asked my Facebook friends for doctor recommendations and someone recommended the Orthopedic Associates of West Florida. I went on their website and read all the doctor profiles. Dr Pigeon's profile reads "Minimally invasive spine and neck surgery, Adult degenerative scoliosis, Adult degenerative disc disease, Spinal fusions." Plus, he takes my insurance, so he was the obvious choice. I see him next Tuesday, and will keep you informed, wish me luck!

Feeling stupid

I'm going to tell you this as if it happened today when in truth it happened last Thursday, although the embarrassment and stupidity I felt still lingers. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my new neurologist, a rather important appointment, thus. I live about 1.3 miles from the doctor's office and had decided to take the bus, a mode of transport I have not yet used in my 42 years of life. I could have driven my husband to work at 4 a.m. (1/2 an hour from here), or borrowed a car from my mother in law, or even asked my best friend to take me, but that all seemed silly, I mean it's only a mile for goodness sakes, and I'm a fairly independent woman, or at least I used to be.
To say I have sleep problems would be saying that the fact I have not slept yet and it is 8 a.m. is normal. This normal occurrence, for me, is especially true the night before a doctor's appointment, as I am always afraid I won't wake up in time. This particular Wednesday night / Thursday morning was no exception. About 5 a.m. I realized I may be having more problems than the normal, and should have taken a xanax earlier. By 7 a.m. I was in full on panic attack mode at the thought of taking the bus. I'm only traveling on the bus roughly 5 minutes, but how do I let the bus driver know when I want to get off? The bus is not like the subway, it doesn't stop at EVERY location. My husband tells me there is a cord to pull. Ok, I can pull a cord, but when do I pull it? He tells me after the previous stop to when I want to get off. How do I know when I'm at the stop prior to the one I want?
Truthfully, I can't believe I'm writing this down, sharing it, putting it out there for the entire world to read. I was in one of the worst panic attacks of my entire life over a bus ride. I couldn't breathe, I started vomiting. I had to call the doctor and reschedule. Like I said I still feel extremely embarrassed, stupid, and even ashamed.
To make matters more absurd, and this may surprise you, I used to be a pilot. A single engine, and multi engine pilot. Not only could I fly, I was licensed to teach OTHERS to fly.
I have an appointment with my regular doctor this Thursday. Trust me when I say I already have my best friend lined up to take me and I also have my husband lined up for a "bus lesson". Yes, a bus lesson. He will take me on the bus, we will ride it to where I need to get off for the doctor's offices, then get back on where I will catch it home. I'm terrified. The funny thing is I was sooooo excited about the bus and the new found freedom I could have (I found the route to the mall and I don't even have to change buses :) ), oh well, maybe someday! (or maybe someday I can convince my husband I do have good enough balance for a pink scooter!!)