Saturday, November 7, 2009


I'm sorry I have been AWOL the last few weeks, this usually happens to me about this time of the year. I have depression but about mid October it gets a lot worse. And this year I mean about ten fold. The doctor's call it seasonal depression in addition to the severe depression I already have, but it's not really. It's not the holidays. It begins right before my birthday or right after, depending sometimes. And then it starts. You see from end of October till mid January is the anniversaries of literally all the deaths of people I have been close to that have passed away, and also their birthdays. This may sound strange to say but not a month after our wedding my husband's step father passed away, the beginning of December. I seriously thought I had brought my family's curse with me, and the curse was spreading to my new family also. I know that is ridiculous but 4 years ago we lost my Grandma Oct 30, and this Christmas Day it will be two years since we lost my husband's Grandma. It seems it's about every two years we lose someone. My Dad and Grandma were the two most important people in my life. I am missing them this year more than ever, lots and lots of tears almost everyday. 
I realized a few years ago how down I get this time of the year, my Dr always gave me xanax to help me get through. Even before I realized though I would become very down about mid November till mid January. After Grandma passed the period got lengthened to mid October - mid January. Then a few days after Grandma's birthday in January I am miraculously better. Used to be back to my happy go lucky self. 
I wonder does bipolar change? I mean I used to be mostly up with some shorter periods of depression (not including the 3 month "seasonal" depression). Now (before the seasonal kicked in), I am down most of the time with few up times, and those up times are usually pretty recognizable as hypermania, because they are short lived periods (a day or two) of extreme energy and creativity.
My real point of all this was to apologize to anyone who reads my ramblings regularly (thank you by the way) for my disappearance. I will try to be a little better, but it is going to be pretty rough for me for a little over two more months. Just hang in there with me, I'm holding on by a thread, hold on too. Thanks. love from chele