When All Else Fails There's Always Twilight

I caved. I finally made an appointment with the psychiatrist my doctor recommended three months ago. I can't turn off my brain to sleep unless I am exhausted. Other times it's not my brain, I feel like my skin is crawling or I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm up and down 3, 4, 5 times. I will lay in bed with my eyes closed, sleep mask on, snuggled up to my dog (she's a living breathing teddy bear)for hours. Then I get up and watch a half hour, 45 minutes of tv, lay back down. Next time I grab a book and read for a little bit, then try again. Last night while the world slept I vacuumed the air vent for the air conditioning unit, trimmed the cat's claws, sketched two pictures, watched a couple of youtube videos on how to paint flowers, practiced those techniques. I laid down and decided I had to work on my Christmas shopping list. Then, I laid down and decided I needed a better way to keep track of our bills. I tend to forget to pay something and then get a late payment and all of the sudden we are behind, which is what we are doing right now... playing catch up.
Plus, when I'm manic like this the house is a disaster. I'm in creative mode so EVERYTHING else is... well, forget about it. The coffee table in my chick den is covered in water bottles, paints, sketch books, etc.
Another thing, I put on Twilight because it's the one movie I can sleep to. In fact, it puts me to sleep. Something about the background music just lulls me. But, then I put my Twilight on and it blocks out my brain and my fingers start twitching. Now I am up again writing this and watching my soaps. It's 11 am and I'm so exhausted, feel sick from no sleep but wondering if I should just try to stay awake till at least 6 p.m. so maybe I will get turned back around or if I should try to sleep again.

Hibernating

I'm sorry I have been AWOL the last few weeks, this usually happens to me about this time of the year. I have depression but about mid October it gets a lot worse. And this year I mean about ten fold. The doctor's call it seasonal depression in addition to the severe depression I already have, but it's not really. It's not the holidays. It begins right before my birthday or right after, depending sometimes. And then it starts. You see from end of October till mid January is the anniversaries of literally all the deaths of people I have been close to that have passed away, and also their birthdays. This may sound strange to say but not a month after our wedding my husband's step father passed away, the beginning of December. I seriously thought I had brought my family's curse with me, and the curse was spreading to my new family also. I know that is ridiculous but 4 years ago we lost my Grandma Oct 30, and this Christmas Day it will be two years since we lost my husband's Grandma. It seems it's about every two years we lose someone. My Dad and Grandma were the two most important people in my life. I am missing them this year more than ever, lots and lots of tears almost everyday. 
I realized a few years ago how down I get this time of the year, my Dr always gave me xanax to help me get through. Even before I realized though I would become very down about mid November till mid January. After Grandma passed the period got lengthened to mid October - mid January. Then a few days after Grandma's birthday in January I am miraculously better. Used to be back to my happy go lucky self. 
I wonder does bipolar change? I mean I used to be mostly up with some shorter periods of depression (not including the 3 month "seasonal" depression). Now (before the seasonal kicked in), I am down most of the time with few up times, and those up times are usually pretty recognizable as hypermania, because they are short lived periods (a day or two) of extreme energy and creativity.
My real point of all this was to apologize to anyone who reads my ramblings regularly (thank you by the way) for my disappearance. I will try to be a little better, but it is going to be pretty rough for me for a little over two more months. Just hang in there with me, I'm holding on by a thread, hold on too. Thanks. love from chele

Ups and Downs

I think this moodiness may just kill me. I have been so moody lately. My husband is really a dream, works 10-14 hrs a day then comes home and does the dishes or whatever else I need and lately I have just been so bitchy. I hate being that way, reminds me of my mother, but I can't control it. Like right now it is 3 am I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I have no idea why. Well, maybe exhaustion. I overdid it Thursday helping my friend with her computer, which I really wanted to do for her I just don't think either of us expected setting up her new computer to take so long. It wasn't the physical stuff that took so long, although I was laying on my stomach under the desk at one time folding cords up and tying each individual one up with a velcro strip. The other stuff, setting the actual pc up. First we couldn't get the cable modem to work. I spent 20 mins on the phone with someone out of country, finally he says "I am going to give you a ticket number because when I reset your modem we will lose the call. Resetting the modem should fix the problem but if it doesn't just call back and give the ticket number". So I wait the three minutes, call back give the ticket number and the new representative says to me right away "did you try the standby button? press and hold it for three seconds and then try the internet". Fixed. Geez. One thing our cable company offers is a free antivirus software called CA Internet Suite that I really think is fantastic so why should she have to pay for Norton? No reason, so I uninstalled Norton and downloaded the CA. Downloaded Picasa. If you haven't discovered Picasa yet it is another free program this time by Google. It is for photos. When I changed from my laptop to my new PC (thank you again Marty, I love u little bro) I uploaded all my photos to web albums on Picasa and then downloaded what I wanted to back onto my PC. All the others are still on my private, unlisted, web albums where I can access them any time I want but they aren't clogging up my computer.
So back to my moods, sorry I tend to digress at 4 am. I feel like I went through the entire range of emotions in less than 12 hours, happy, excited, angry, royally pissed off (same thing?? I don't know, not in this case), insulted, and then just exhausted, in pain, and crying. I took two xanax so I am starting to feel calm and hopefully sleep will come soon. I really must make an appointment to go back to my primary care doctor to see about a mood stabilizer, I feel like I am all over the place. I have been told this is quite normal for bipolar. I'm not sure. Ideas? Comments?

Ok so I'm Bipolar, Now What?

I don't really know what this means, I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark. Ok, I kind of already figured I was bipolar, but hearing the doctor say it is another thing. That probably sounds silly. The thing is the doctor said we will deal with this after we get the neuropathy under better control and see where that leaves me basically. So I decided to do a little research on the internet on my own. 

Here is some of what I found: 

Doctors usually diagnose mental disorders using guidelines from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM. According to the DSM, there are four basic types of bipolar disorder:

1.      Bipolar I Disorder is mainly defined by manic or mixed episodes that last at least seven days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, the person also has depressive episodes, typically lasting at least two weeks. The symptoms of mania or depression must be a major change from the person's normal behavior.

2.     Bipolar II Disorder is defined by a pattern of depressive episodes shifting back and forth with hypomanic episodes, but no full-blown manic or mixed episodes.

3.     Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (BP-NOS) is diagnosed when a person has symptoms of the illness that do not meet diagnostic criteria for either bipolar I or II. The symptoms may not last long enough, or the person may have too few symptoms, to be diagnosed with bipolar I or II. However, the symptoms are clearly out of the person's normal range of behavior.

4.     Cyclothymic Disorder, or Cyclothymia, is a mild form of bipolar disorder. People who have cyclothymia have episodes of hypomania that shift back and forth with mild depression for at least two years. However, the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for any other type of bipolar disorder.

I think this would mean that I am Bipolar II. I have never had a full blown manic episode, more what is described as hypomania. I get extra creative during these periods and can not stop doing things no matter how much pain I am in. But, if I take two xanax, and crawl in bed, a lot of twitching ensues, and then I fall asleep and am ok the next day. 

Here is more information from WebMD on Bipolar II: II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.

However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.

A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. (This is where the term "manic depression" comes from.)

In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives.

Who Is At Risk for Bipolar II Disorder?

Virtually anyone can develop bipolar II disorder. About 2.5% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of bipolar disorder -- almost 6 million people.

Most people are in their teens or early 20s when symptoms first start. Nearly everyone with bipolar II disorder develops it before age 50. People with an immediate family member with bipolar are at higher risk.

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar II Disorder?

During a hypomanic episode, elevated mood can manifest itself as either euphoria (feeling "high") or as irritability.

Symptoms during hypomanic episodes include:

·        Flying suddenly from one idea to the next

·        Rapid, "pressured" speech

·        Increased energy, with hyperactivity and decreased need for sleep

People experiencing hypomanic episodes are often quite pleasant to be around. They can often seem like the "life of the party" -- making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood.

What's so bad about that, you might ask? Hypomania can also lead to erratic and unhealthy behavior. People in hypomanic episodes might spend money they don't have (my husband would say I know that one well), seek out sex with people they normally wouldn't, and engage in other impulsive or risky behaviors.

Also, the vast majority of people with bipolar II disorder experience significant depressive episodes. These can occur soon after hypomania subsides, or much later. Some people cycle back and forth between hypomania and depression, while others have long periods of normal mood in between episodes.

Untreated, an episode of hypomania can last anywhere from a few days to several years. Most commonly, symptoms continue for a few weeks to a few months.

Depressive episodes in bipolar II disorder are similar to "regular" clinical depression, with depressed mood, loss of pleasure, low energy and activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. Depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder can last weeks, months, or rarely years.

What Are the Treatments for Bipolar II Disorder?

Hypomania often masquerades as happiness and relentless optimism. When hypomania is not causing unhealthy behavior, it generally goes untreated. This is in contrast to true mania, which nearly always requires treatment with medications.

People with bipolar II disorder can benefit from preventive medications that level out moods over the long term. These prevent the negative consequences of hypomania, and also help to prevent episodes of depression.

Mood stabilizers

Lithium: This simple metal in pill form is highly effective at controlling mood swings in bipolar disorder. Lithium has been used for more than a century to treat bipolar disorder. Lithium can take weeks to work fully, making it better for long-term treatment than for sudden hypomanic episodes. Blood levels of lithium must be monitored to avoid side effects.

Depakote (divalproex): This antiseizure medication also works to level out moods. It has a more rapid onset of action than lithium, and it can also be used for prevention.

Some other antiseizure medicines, such as Tegretol (carbamazepine), are also effective mood stabilizers.

Treatment for Depression in Bipolar II Disorder

When taken for depression by someone with bipolar II disorder, common antidepressants like Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil can set off a full-on manic episode. For this reason, the first treatment for depression should be lithium, Depakote, or an antipsychotic. If these fail after a few weeks, an antidepressant can be safely started. Psychotherapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, can also help.

Can Bipolar II Disorder Be Prevented?

The causes of bipolar disorder are not well understood. It's not known if bipolar II disorder can be prevented entirely. It is possible to prevent some episodes of hypomania or depression, once bipolar disorder has developed. Regular therapy sessions with a psychologist or social worker can stabilize mood, leading to fewer hospitalizations and feeling better overall. Taking medicine on a regular basis also leads to fewer hypomanic or depressive episodes.

How Is Bipolar II Disorder Different From Other Types of Bipolar Disorder?

People with bipolar I disorder experience true mania -- a severe, abnormally elevated mood with erratic behavior. Manic symptoms lead to serious disruptions in life, causing legal or major personal problems. In bipolar II disorder, the symptoms of elevate mood never reach full-on mania. Bipolar II can be thought of as a milder form of bipolar disorder.