Ups and Downs

I think this moodiness may just kill me. I have been so moody lately. My husband is really a dream, works 10-14 hrs a day then comes home and does the dishes or whatever else I need and lately I have just been so bitchy. I hate being that way, reminds me of my mother, but I can't control it. Like right now it is 3 am I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I have no idea why. Well, maybe exhaustion. I overdid it Thursday helping my friend with her computer, which I really wanted to do for her I just don't think either of us expected setting up her new computer to take so long. It wasn't the physical stuff that took so long, although I was laying on my stomach under the desk at one time folding cords up and tying each individual one up with a velcro strip. The other stuff, setting the actual pc up. First we couldn't get the cable modem to work. I spent 20 mins on the phone with someone out of country, finally he says "I am going to give you a ticket number because when I reset your modem we will lose the call. Resetting the modem should fix the problem but if it doesn't just call back and give the ticket number". So I wait the three minutes, call back give the ticket number and the new representative says to me right away "did you try the standby button? press and hold it for three seconds and then try the internet". Fixed. Geez. One thing our cable company offers is a free antivirus software called CA Internet Suite that I really think is fantastic so why should she have to pay for Norton? No reason, so I uninstalled Norton and downloaded the CA. Downloaded Picasa. If you haven't discovered Picasa yet it is another free program this time by Google. It is for photos. When I changed from my laptop to my new PC (thank you again Marty, I love u little bro) I uploaded all my photos to web albums on Picasa and then downloaded what I wanted to back onto my PC. All the others are still on my private, unlisted, web albums where I can access them any time I want but they aren't clogging up my computer.
So back to my moods, sorry I tend to digress at 4 am. I feel like I went through the entire range of emotions in less than 12 hours, happy, excited, angry, royally pissed off (same thing?? I don't know, not in this case), insulted, and then just exhausted, in pain, and crying. I took two xanax so I am starting to feel calm and hopefully sleep will come soon. I really must make an appointment to go back to my primary care doctor to see about a mood stabilizer, I feel like I am all over the place. I have been told this is quite normal for bipolar. I'm not sure. Ideas? Comments?

Kim's Pink Kiss Cookies (meringue)

These are my sister in law, Kim's recipe. However, when I made them I used 3/4 cup of splenda instead of sugar and sugar free jello. Also, I tried to make them the regular way with sugar first, but the egg whites wouldn't thicken enough. My friend, Ronnee, told me to chill the bowl, and it worked!!!! oh, and I skipped the chocolate chips cause I forgot them. Also, I had to cook them for about an extra 45 minutes, seriously. Must \ be the crazy humidity here, I had looked at a few recipes online that said that could happen. I ate one after 30 mins and tasted like a big marshmallow. Probably not so great to eat uncooked egg whites, oops!

3 egg whites (let eggs come to room temperature)

1/8tsp salt
3/4 c sugar
1 1/2 tblsp strawberry jello
1/2 c chocolate chips

Beat egg whites and salt til fluffy. Add sugar and jello, beat til stiff. The mixing process must add LOTS of air or it will not work. No kitchen aid mixers.

Fold in chocolate chips. Drop with spoon onto lightly greased then floured pans.

Bake at 250 degrees for roughly 25 -30 minutes. Observe for pink chalky color.

Crippling pain ... Fibromyalgia

denylady: I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a few years ago, but no doctor explained to me how ill this makes you. Even if I do too much house work or try to do something a bit strenuous it can put me to bed for a couple of days as I become so ill.

My feet are the worst thing, the pain on the bottom of my feet is awful. I can only walk short distances, when I tell doctors they just look confused and can't seem to give me any advice.
Can you shed some light on this illness for me as I get so depressed as I feel no one understands how I feel?

Dr Carol Cooper: You're right - nobody really knows how or why fibromyalgia makes you feel ill, or even exactly what it is.
On the whole, one of the best treatments is to pace yourself and gradually increase your activities till you get back to near-normal levels.
Strenuous activity, as you've learned, is counter-productive because you pay for it afterwards.
If you're depressed, an antidepressant and/or counselling might be an idea. Even if you're not depressed, antidepressants can help - it's been discovered that in small doses (too small to work against depression), some antidepressants help all sorts of chronic pain. If you haven't talked it over with your GP, that should probably be your next step.

And have you had a look at the useful site www.ukfibromyalgia.com?
p.s. For those of you who don't know fibromyalgia sufferers have decreased levels of seratonin, which is why antidepressants tend to help, they increase levels of seratonin in the blood (so does chocolate!).

Admiration of Strength and Courage

My cousin is a fighter. That I have always known. She's the oldest of seven kids. was a second mother to all of them. I think all but two have lived with her at some point including me. She's worked two or three jobs when she's had to in order to support her family.

She's five foot tall and has never been afraid to tell someone how it is even if they are six foot 250 pounds. I used to make her crazy. I was the kid who was so shy I sat off by myself while the other kids played kickball at recess. I would never stand up for myself, which is what made her crazy. She taught me how when I lived with her. For which I will be eternally grateful (although others who find my bluntness rude may disagree).

In some ways we are so much alike. Neither of us have ever been able to hide our dislike of someone. Both of us count loyalty as one of the top traits we both admire and expect in a person. In some ways we are not alike. Nine months ago she had a car accident. She has a dislocated jaw she was supposed to have surgery on today (postponed due to more problems with...), she has swelling of the brain, she is having some kind of problem with all the discs in her back from top to bottom that I don't understand, neuropathy of the brain stem, some kind of eyesight problems, including temporary blindness at times. and the list goes on.

I thought I knew pain. I can not begin to fathom the pain she is in. But she still works at least weekends as a waitress. I don't understand how she does it. I can't help but compare our situations and find hers extremely worse, yet she has the steel to still work, as a waitress nonetheless. On her feet probably 8 hours a day. This blows my mind. I think I am green with envy. I have to say that today, my cousin is the person I admire most. For she makes me look inward, find myself lacking in steel, and determined to do better. 

Strenth and Courage author unkown

It takes strength to fit in.

It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend's pain.
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pains.
It takes courage to show them.

It takes strength to endure abuse.
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone.
It takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love.
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive.
It takes courage to live.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

The Job Quest Part I

There are people who have worse physical disabilities than me. In fact, there are millions of people who have worst disabilities than me. I see actor Christopher Reeves directing films, it's inspirational. I watch So You Think You Can Dance and there is a woman trying out who lost her arm, but still dances, another dancer who is dancing in spite of not being able to hear the music. But, I am not these people. I list the types of jobs I've had in the past:

• permitter (drove 300-500 miles a day to building departments all over the state). Obviously this is impossible because I can't drive anymore due to the peripheral neuropathy in my hands.
• convention & meeting coordinator / party planner. Wow, I was so good at this job. I'm not just saying that I am incredibly creative and we through some fantastic parties for some fantastic people. But this job is out too, it requires 18 hour days that include lifting, climbing, and even creativity such as floral arrangements and other arts & crafts type that I love. The whole of this job just eliminates itself as a possibility.
• Working at Disney booking hotel reservations. My favorite job ever. Talking to guests on the phone 8 hours a day and typing information into the computer that long also. Sitting 8 hours a day is impossible given the muscle spasms in my shoulders, neck, and head. Plus, I am unable to do the typing. I could use my voice recognition software to type for me, but the problem with that is I can't talk to the customer and talk to the voice recognition program at the same time. Someone or something would certainly end up confused!

I want to be Christopher Reeves, the girl who dances in spite of not being able to hear the music. I want to be that inspirational. For now I struggle. I write my blog. I get letters from people that tell me I am inspirational and I have helped them. And that feels so incredible I can not describe it. Yet, to be inspirational and to help people does not help my husband move us above poverty, keep a roof over our head, food in our mouths.
I consider the perfect jobs:

• being paid to blog. I can do it from home in my pajamas. I can do it if I am in the worst flare. My hands can look and feel like I spent the afternoon punching a wall. I can toss my cookies all day, and I don't need someone to drive me there.
• Walmart greeter!! I'm pleasant, oh, but I can't stand more than a few minutes, let alone hours. Damn.
• job sharing like an administrative assistant position, or even a sales position. But, the location would have to be somewhere I can get to on the handy bus, and I need to be able to use the Dragon Naturally Speaking program for typing. Which means my cubicle would have to be pretty sound proof so as not to drive other employees nuts.

Now what I need is a plan who to talk to, what organizations can help me.
This I will leave for part 2.

Neuropathy Quiz By Patrick Lowe, D.C.

 Rank Each Question 1-10

1 means it rarely happens or is very very mild

10 means it is Severe or Constant

___My hands feel like I am wearing invisible gloves on them or my feet feel like I am wearing invisible socks on them.

___I feel like someone is stabbing me with a thousand pins or needles.

___I am sensitive to being touched, causing sensations of burning, freezing or electric shocks.

___I am tormented by numbness, tingling or loss of feeling in my arms, hands or legs

___My hands go weak, I drop things.

_____ Total Score


Single question scoring

1 to 5 in any question you probably have mild to moderate neuropathy

5 to 10 in any question you probably have moderate to severe neuropathy

Total Scores

2 to 5 may indicate mild neuropathy

6 to 15 may indicate moderate neuropathy

15 or higher may be considered severe neuropathy